These past few weeks I have felt sort of lost. Let me explain.
Kamden will be graduating 4th grade this year. He'll be entering the new world of intermediate school next year. Lockers and changing for gym class. We live right across from the school he will be going to, so he will be walking there and home. It is so weird to me. It still feels like he's my baby.
This week he went on a 4th grade school trip for two nights and three days. He had a blast...but I've had to drag the details of the trip out of him. He doesn't want to talk my ear off like he always has!
He gets his advanced brown belt this month, and will be a black belt candidate in 3 months.
This weekend he has a guitar recital. He picked the song he is going to play and sing, and also wrote his own song to perform.
He doesn't want my opinion. He doesn't want me picking out what he will wear, or critiquing his tempo. He wants me to leave him alone!
I don't know how to do that.
Since Kendall started school, even though it's really only 3 hours a day 3 days a week...I kind of feel left out. For the first three years of her life, I've been the coordinator of everything. I've talked to every therapist and person working with her. I've trained every care giver she's had. It's always been my way.
This week when she was at school and I came home I didn't know what to do with myself. I literally walked in circles around my house. I'm not sure if that was in part, depression, or just that I really don't have an identity anymore without my kids.
Fortunately, they are still very young. I know I won't have to have that empty nest feeling for a long, long, time (if ever.) But it has definitely made me think. Lately I've been feeling unimportant. And I don't like that!
I'm thankful for the help I have in our nurses. Very thankful. It has enabled me to be there for every detail of Kendall's care, but at the same time, given me time to spend with Kamden and his extra curricular activities. They have also given me the time needed to invest in my studying. So, I definitely do already do things for myself and away from Kendall (thanks to nursing.) I have been very blessed to be able to be there for every new (sometimes tiny) accomplishment she has.
I know this is the way it should be. I should "spread the love" so to speak, with Kendall's care. It is entirely too much to fall on the shoulders of one person. She has made friends at school that she wouldn't have made at home. They sing to her, push her, and make her laugh. When we talk about school she always has a huge smile and tries to vocalize how much she loves it to us. I wouldn't trade that for anything.
I guess I'm just being selfish. Every parent essentially just wants their kids to be confident and independent. I want both my kids to be happy. So, I will try, REALLY TRY, to loosen the reigns a little bit. It's just not very easy :(