Friday, May 20, 2011

Independence...

These past few weeks I have felt sort of lost. Let me explain.

Kamden will be graduating 4th grade this year. He'll be entering the new world of intermediate school next year. Lockers and changing for gym class. We live right across from the school he will be going to, so he will be walking there and home. It is so weird to me. It still feels like he's my baby.

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This week he went on a 4th grade school trip for two nights and three days. He had a blast...but I've had to drag the details of the trip out of him. He doesn't want to talk my ear off like he always has!

He gets his advanced brown belt this month, and will be a black belt candidate in 3 months.

This weekend he has a guitar recital. He picked the song he is going to play and sing, and also wrote his own song to perform.

He doesn't want my opinion. He doesn't want me picking out what he will wear, or critiquing his tempo. He wants me to leave him alone!

I don't know how to do that.

Since Kendall started school, even though it's really only 3 hours a day 3 days a week...I kind of feel left out. For the first three years of her life, I've been the coordinator of everything. I've talked to every therapist and person working with her. I've trained every care giver she's had. It's always been my way.

This week when she was at school and I came home I didn't know what to do with myself. I literally walked in circles around my house. I'm not sure if that was in part, depression, or just that I really don't have an identity anymore without my kids.

Fortunately, they are still very young. I know I won't have to have that empty nest feeling for a long, long, time (if ever.) But it has definitely made me think. Lately I've been feeling unimportant. And I don't like that!

I'm thankful for the help I have in our nurses. Very thankful. It has enabled me to be there for every detail of Kendall's care, but at the same time, given me time to spend with Kamden and his extra curricular activities. They have also given me the time needed to invest in my studying. So, I definitely do already do things for myself and away from Kendall (thanks to nursing.) I have been very blessed to be able to be there for every new (sometimes tiny) accomplishment she has.

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I know this is the way it should be. I should "spread the love" so to speak, with Kendall's care. It is entirely too much to fall on the shoulders of one person. She has made friends at school that she wouldn't have made at home. They sing to her, push her, and make her laugh. When we talk about school she always has a huge smile and tries to vocalize how much she loves it to us. I wouldn't trade that for anything.

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I guess I'm just being selfish. Every parent essentially just wants their kids to be confident and independent. I want both my kids to be happy. So, I will try, REALLY TRY, to loosen the reigns a little bit. It's just not very easy :(

4 comments:

TherExtras said...

'Loosening the reigns' has always been difficult for me. You seem to be ahead of me in that. Barbara

Debbie said...

I guess as time marches forward our roles as mother changes.
My 9 yo boy is still very "innocent" and needs me...but I know there will be this metamorphosis that will occur in the near future when things will start changing and I DREAD it!!!

He is my first born...complete mamma's boy....he is sweet and soft hearted...the thought of any of that changing will be very difficult on me. I guess through the stages of motherhood we will just have to find and treasure how we are viewed and needed in that time...

He will ALWAYS need you and be your little guy....I am sure he knows that too deep down!!!!!

Terri said...

If you figure out how to loosen the reigns, could you please let me know. Jessica (my 4th grader) will be going to 5th grade too next year. It literally breaks my heart. Although everyone says it, I am floored by how fast time flies. I know my three are still young too (10, 8 and 4) but sometimes I feel like I am holding on with both hands, and they are running in the opposite direction! I definitely cannot offer any words of wisdom in this department for sure.. just know I am with you!

Gilda said...

It really never is easy to loosen the reigns. I am so glad Kendall is having such a good time in school( love that smile).As for your son, my fifth grader is the same way. But every now and then he sneeks in a hug and a smile that lets me know he likes his space but makes sure I am not too far away.