Thursday, October 1, 2009

Acceptance...

It dawned on me this morning (no pun intended...)

I've learned more from this 21 pound bundle of love than I have anything else in my life.

Really.

I've had a pretty sheltered life... I mean, sure...I lived through a divorce, and survived as a single mom...(there were some definite dark days in there when I thought I wouldn't make it) But all in all, pretty sheltered.

Before Kendall, I was always a go-er. I rarely sat down. I couldn't go to sleep at night if my house wasn't in order. If I had down time, I usually already knew how I was going to fill it. I used to hate an empty house. In the car I couldn't drive out of my driveway without picking up the phone to call someone. I had my days and evenings planned weeks in advance. I kept a to-do list with every single detail of my day and took joy in crossing things off the list. I (can't even believe I'm going to admit this...) bought a new outfit any time I had plans to do something. Seriously. I did. I spent way too much time picking out clothes, shoes, jewelry, etc... Oh, and I thought about myself...a lot.


Since Kendall, I've learned to appreciate the quiet. I've learned to be still. I've learned that the little every-day miracles are enough to make me feel full. God is first. People are second. Things are last. Period. I think of that as a blessing now. I think it takes some people a lifetime to learn that and truly believe it. I'm only 31. So I've been blessed.

It is still somewhat aggravating that I hated cooking and being in the kitchen, and now I spend the majority of my week preparing meals/feeding Kendall. I hated anything that even resembled a hospital, and now we pretty much spend all our week at therapy or Dr. appointments. I don't shop. I rarely shower in the morning. And my day revolves around my kids' schedules. My sleep revolves around Kendall's. But that's my life.

So, I guess as far as the grieving process goes...(thanks to Grey's Anatomy for the reminder last week!) I'm at the acceptance stage. But I reserve the right to go back through Denial, Anger, Bargaining, and Depression at any time!

{oh, and Holly...you might be at acceptance too! Otherwise, how could we have found humor in the 18 month old at the park pushing his own stroller?!}

7 comments:

Reagan Leigh said...

Funny, I could have written this post myself! Sounds like me before Reagan and sounds like me now! It's amazing how your priorities change. And how such horrible circumstances can bring such positive change to your life and the lives of others.

therextras said...

"I told God my plans for my life and He laughed."

(From a blog titled: And God Laughed.)

Thankful for God's sense of humor, too.
Barbara

TwinsRock08 said...

You are such an inspiration to me. I am so proud of you and everything you indure each day. I look up to your strength and (your ability to run like you do-hee hee!). Thanks for being my friend.

Holly said...

Well said girl. You've just described me before Caleigh and me after Caleigh. Probably many many moms out there too.

Priorities are determined for us.

And I really do think I'm at acceptance. It was funny...he was so little pushing that huge stroller :-)

jamie said...

just catching up on kendall...i have had no time lately for the internet...just wanted to say i totally feel for you on the feeding issues, i know what its like to want to pull my hair out because milo won't eat...we tried to feed milo orally for about six months when milo got home from the nicu, it didn't go well, and his weight fell off the charts so we had to go to the g-tube. those six months were probably the most stressful of my life and i think i aged about 5 years in that time. so i know what you go through everyday to make sure that kendall is getting all of her calories, and you are such an awesome mamma!

Jacolyn said...

I think I'm finally there too.

I gave you an award. Please go to my blog to pick it up :)

Cjengo said...

I am working on being still ;)